The Love of the Lord

by Heather Laythorpe

December 2004

Growing up I had two spheres of influence in my life - my mother and her father, my grandfather.  They were at opposite ends of the spectrum when it came to religion.  Mom was religiously apathetic and Gramps focused more on the fear of God.  The idea that you could have a personal relationship and receive blessings from the Lord was not even considered.

I remember being christened at age 8, mainly because I wanted to belong to the church family and join their youth group.  I really just wanted to belong to any family.  I knew the functional aspects of religion but not the closeness of it.  I always felt empty, like I was on the outside looking in. 

You see, I was a 'mistake'.  At least, that is what I was told repeatedly. I have two older brothers (10 & 17 years older), with whom I have very little in common except our mother.  They could do not wrong, I could do no right.  I was not a difficult child, but I did question everything.  My main question was "Why or why can't I?"  I wanted an explanation for everything.  Prove it to me.  That is why when I reached the age of 18, and it came time for Confirmation after attending the classes, I had more questions than answers, and did not receive positive reinforcement.  So I drifted away from the church.  Somewhere deep in my heart I still believed in the Lord, but organized religion left me feeling empty.  Later when I married, my husband was adamant that there be no religion in our home.  He would not even agree to have our son christened.

After twenty years of marriage, my life was in crisis.  Although I had always felt alone, this feeling of lonliness was different.  It was really painful.  I had gained 100 pounds trying to fill the void and emptiness.  There were other problems with the marriage as well.  My husband, who had been my best friend, now wanted nothing to do with me.  He abandoned me physically and emotionally.  I would lie beside him at night and silently cry myself to sleep.  I lost all desire to live.  I knew I needed help, but I had been taught not to show or talk about my problems, just fix them.  But this was more than I could handle.  So in my moment of darkness, I cried out to the only person who I thought could help me... the Lord God.

His response was to send some very special people to assist me. My boss and friend, Mary, gently helped me to find my way back to a church.  She kept telling me about her church and the friendliness of the people there.  To make the transition easier, I listened to the sermons on the internet. That created the desire to attend church again.  When I went, it was like the pastor was talking directly to me.  I often sat through both services.  I was deeply moved by the sermons and often sat in the back corner crying.  I wanted to ask for help but didn't know how.  When someone noticed me crying, she asked if she could help and the process began where I was introduced to Janet - whom I consider my guardian angel.  Janet has that special knack of getting people to open up to her.  She expained the beauty, grace, and love that comes from God. 

Janet and I met for a number of weeks.  She let me cry and pour out my heart to her.  She taught me how to pray and talk to the Lord and that it was possible to have a personal relationship with Him.

One Tuesday afternoon in August of 2001, in Janet's kitchen, with tears streaming down my face and with Janet's help, I asked Jesus to forgive me of my sins, declare that I believed and loved him, and I asked Jesus to come into my heart and life.  Instantly, I was filled with such warmth, calmness, strength and fulfillment. It truly was a feeling of awe and love.  A love I had never known.  It was like a hug directly from the Lord.

Since that time, I have found an inner peace that I had never known before.  The emptiness I had always felt is gone.  My dad died when I was only two and my mother died when I was 23.  I thought the lonliness I felt was loss of my birth father and mother.  I did not realize what I needed and was looking for was to be connected with the true and only father, our heavenly Father.  I now know what it is to have a personal relationship with God.

Although I have a great deal to learn about the Bible and the Lord's teachings, I know He now walks with me.  He gave me strength when my marriage finally ended.  He provides me with whatever I need, when I need it, always according to His plan.  I no longer worry about the future and how I will survive.  I no longer need proof of his love.  For when you truly believe, no proof is necessary, and for those who do not believe, no proof will satisfy.  Although I may be on my own, I know with certainty that I will never be alone again, for I now have Jesus as my guide and Saviour.