How To Get What You Want In Bed

And why being “responsible” for your own pleasure is the key to a better sex life.

Feel like your sex life has become a little lacklustre? Or have you reached a stage in your relationship where said sex life has pretty much ceased to exist? If you’ve found yourself here because you’re wanting to know how to get what you want in bed, you’ve come to the right place.

With the help of sex therapist and We-Vibe sexual wellness expert, Christine Rafe, we’re taking a deep dive into working out what turns you on, tips on taking the awkwardness out of conversations about intimacy with your partner and ultimately how to get what you want in bed.

Put aside time to explore alone to figure out what really turns you on

Getting what you want in bed all starts with understanding that “you are responsible for your own pleasure,” explains Rafe on our podcast, Uninterrupted by Women’s Health Australia.

“Your partner can’t read your mind. You need to be able to explore, explain and express what gives you the most pleasure. Your partner can support you in that but ultimately you are responsible,” says Rafe.

So, how do we figure out what gives us pleasure? Rafe suggests putting aside time for some solo play sessions to experiment and find out where you like to be touched and how.

“Practice makes perfect. If we don’t know… know how to do it then we really need to work on that if we want to experience [sexual satisfaction],” says Rafe.

If you’re looking for some new sex toys to try during your solo self-pleasure sessions, here are some of our current faves.

Listen to Christine Rafe on our podcast Uninterrupted by Women’s Health Australia on Apple and Spotify. Post continues below.

Learn to communicate effectively with your partner

Tell yourself what you’d like first

Before speaking to your partner, once you’ve “identified what you want more of, practice saying that to yourself to build confidence,” says Rafe. Besides helping you get comfortable with talking about your desires, doing this will also help you practice explaining what you’re after. Then, when the time comes, you’ll be better equipped to help your partner understand.

Open the conversation in a two-way capacity

Rather than coming at your partner and telling them what you’d like straight off the bat, Rafe suggests starting the conversation in an open manner and asking your partner how they’re feeling about your sex life generally. “Those broader questions can help to open that conversation,” says Rafe.

Once the conversation is underway, you can then take the opportunity to raise some of your wants and needs in a more pointed manner. Not sure how to say what you want? Try Rafe’s sentence frameworks for communicating your desires:

“I love it when…”
“It turns me on when…”
“I would love more…”
“I’m not enjoying… so much… could we do… instead?”

What if you don’t feel comfortable bringing up sex with your partner in person?

OK, we get it. Talking about sex – even with your partner – can be really awks… but if you want to get what you want in bed, it’s crucial to start doing it. Luckily, Rafe has some helpful pointers:

1. Try sending a text message with something like, “I want to talk a bit more around this – when could be a good time?”
2. If speaking about sex in person at all feels way too uncomfortable right now (and that’s okay, it will get easier!), try putting your thoughts into a letter for your partner.

If you’re really freaking out, remember “the more we talk about things, the easier it becomes,” says Rafe. Once you’ve opened the conversation about your sex life the first time, things will only get better.

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